Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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