remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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