i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
