last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
