Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
