I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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