My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
