I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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