As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
