Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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