I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
