its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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