Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
