Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I fill condoms, not promises.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
