found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
