We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
