I met the friendliest cop last night
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
