Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
