Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just had sex on a roof
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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