I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
