i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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