she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
