Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
