You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
