I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
