He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
false alarm, still single
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
