My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
