I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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