therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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