I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
