does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
