capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
