i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
