I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
