Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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