Michael Bay diarrhea
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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