And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
