I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
