I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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