i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
