I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
