I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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