Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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