i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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