The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
