dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
