it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
