Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
