Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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