I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
