birth control should be required to get into college
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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