When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
